Sexual Confidence: HOW TO BECOME SEXUALLY CONFIDENT

• What You Need To Know
• The real deal when it comes to being sexually attractive to women is confidence.
• Visualization techniques can combat performance issues.
• Health, diet and levels of stress can all impact ejaculation.

Sexual confidence often begins outside the bedroom.

Sexual Confidence And Sealing The Deal

Dr. Chaves,

After a long and difficult relationship and breakup, I have come to a low point in my life. My problem is I haven't had sex in a very long time and now I am gun shy and have no confidence. I have had several occasions where I could've sealed the deal but haven't pursued them because I am worried about making a fool of myself. I don't know what to do to get my confidence back and was wondering if you had any advice.

Thanks,
Sam

Forget penis size, money and power. The real deal when it comes to being sexually attractive to women is confidence. It’s an intoxicating aphrodisiac many women respond to. I’m glad you’re looking at your confidence level and willing to make changes to get there. I won’t lie to you: gaining confidence is a tough but worthwhile fight.

First off, ask yourself what has given you confidence in the past. There has to be something -- an activity, a talent, a hobby, a personal attribute or strength. Make a list of these things, expose yourself to them and remind yourself or who you really are and the areas you’ve felt confident in. It’s time to harness that confident energy from all those past possibilities. You don’t find confidence in a can (sorry, beer drinkers and fans of liquid courage); you have to get out there are create confidence. I’ve found that receiving positive feedback from these confidence-building activities also lifts our self-esteem. Achievement creates confidence. Success creates confidence.

In addition, challenge yourself in ways that build your self-worth. Start working out and notice that as your physique improves, so does the perception of yourself. Those endorphin and physiological boosts help our mental and physical outlook, too. It’s not just our body; our minds can use improvement. Think self-help books. Challenge yourself with simple yet obtainable goals and highlight your success. Maybe you overcame your karaoke fear or did some public speaking. All I know is, confidence comes in mysterious ways.

Also, ask your friends to help out. Every once in a while, I’ll turn to a colleague or a friend for a little confidence boost and support. An answer to a simple question like "What do you like about me?" or "Why am I your friend?" can go a long way, assuming they do like you and give you a positive answer. I learned early on that certain people are better to ask than others. For example, asking these questions to my booze-guzzling guy friends usually backfires when compared to a female friend, a woman who is interested in dating me or an articulate colleague. So far, we haven’t mentioned a lick about sex because sexual confidence often begins outside the bedroom.

You mention you had opportunities but didn’t “seal the deal.” Try to forget about sealing deals and focus on the success you had -- namely, that she enjoyed your company, wanted to sleep with you and that you spent a good amount of time connecting with someone on a positive level. On a self-growth level, it’s time to stop avoiding the roots of your confidence issue and get deep into the core of your fears. Is it performance anxiety? Fearful of not getting or maintaining an erection? Are you afraid of getting attached or hurt emotionally? Get these fears out of your mind and process them, either by yourself, with a friend or a professional. They’re simply obstacles and roadblocks to confidence.

It never hurts to brush up on your sex technique either. Knowing ways to please women through unique oral skills, finger magic or intercourse can increase how you feel about yourself in the bedroom. I’ve read so many books on sex that the issue of performance is no longer something on my mind before sex. Be well prepared. One visualization technique I’ve used with clients is having them imagine and process sexual interactions. I have them visualize romantic interludes, specific sexual behaviors or hard-pounding sexcapades in preparation for the real thing. Just remember to visualize successes and positive sexual interactions to maximize the confidence you gain. I’m sure that once you take the plunge and play hide the tip again, you’ll dive right in and pick up where you left off: as a sex-loving guy.

What does Doc Chaves recommend for reader No. 2? That's next..

Health, diet, levels of stress, frequency of ejaculation, and a host of other possibilities can all impact whether a guy needs a thimble or a shot glass to catch their ejaculation and whether the milkshake is chunky or not.

Watery Ejaculation

Dr. Chaves,

My wife and I have a healthy sexual relationship, but, lately, I have found that when I ejaculate, there seems to be less and less content filling the condom! I am only 21 years old but have noticed my ejaculate has decreased more and more during our three years of marriage and has become somewhat more watery. It has gotten me worried at times, especially as my wife and I have considered having a second child! Is this normal?

Thanks!
Eric

I love that you’re using a condom! I had to get that off my chest. I know how important a big load is for men. We get giddy when oursemen comes in mass quantities. For most men, a gradual decrease in volume is normal and expected. It usually comes with age, but other factors can come into play and affect our ejaculate.

Health, diet, levels of stress, frequency of ejaculation, and a host of other possibilities can all impact whether a guy needs a thimble or a shot glass to catch their ejaculation and whether the milkshake is chunky or not. I don’t want to worry you with tales of infections, prostates and medical issues. However, to be on the safe side, a medical doctor should check you out. It’s doubtful there will be an issue. My motto is, when you notice a change with your body that’s outside the norm for you, a medical doctor’s opinion is always a good idea.

The Male Multiple Orgasm

Dear Dr. Chaves,

I found out about MMO a few months ago and have been having trouble reaching it. I've been trying using kegels and breathing exercises, but for some reason, its not working too well after three months. I tried a while ago and started feeling a pins and needles sensation all over my body. I'm not sure if that’s a good or bad sign, but do you have any advice to help me out?

Thank you,
Kevin

When I first read this question, I thought to myself, "What does Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) have to to do with kegels?" But a glass of wine and a light bulb going off in my head pointed me to what you really meant, which was male multiple orgasm.

Ah, the elusive separation of orgasm and ejaculation. Male multiple orgasms have been a part of Eastern sexual philosophies, such as Taoism, for centuries, and it’s sneaking its way into the mainstream western world. Yes, it’s true and can be achieved with training, discipline and knowledge of the body and mind. It sounds to me like you’ve been working on the body training (kegels, breathing), but it’s often the mind portion that is most difficult for people to learn. Anxiety management, meditation and mental preparation are also pieces of the puzzle and can be important learning tools for mastery of ejaculatory control.

A few paragraphs aren’t going to cut it, so I encourage you to read a phenomenal book called The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia. I used this book myself to learn mind and body techniques, and who better to teach you than a Taoist master? The pins and needles feeling you describe is common and sounds normative for your body’s response. Most men who are working toward separating the big O from the big squirt feel some type of full body sensation when getting close to their goal. Often, a feeling of muscular strain, tension and trembling is felt throughout the body. Keep working at it; I think you’re getting close. Just a bit more mind training, and you’ll be there.